Soon to be mother in law...?

My soon to be mother in law is helping me with alot of our wedding things. such as writing on the envelopes for our save the dates, shes doing our flowers with help.. and her and her husband- my finaces father are doing the rehersal dinner. EVERYTHING shes been left to do so far has been screwed up somehow. 1st.. I keep hearing that some people havn't recieved our save the dates when we sent them out a month ago... It is all people on my side of the family and my finaces mother.. I don't know what to say other than what i have said so far.. and i've only asked if shes sent them out and she says no, i will do it this weekend.. and sorry but this weekend wont work.. shes putting it off. 2nd thing she complained about the flowers that i wanted.. shes not paying for them shes just helping put them together (she used to be a florist) and i appreciate it. but i feel like it's my wedding and i want certain things. but she says its a bad idea. 3rd.. they are being RUDE about how much to pay..

Soon to be mother in law...?
Be grateful that your Mother in law is helping at all!! She doesn't have too - my husband's parents didn't help with anything except paying for the rehearsal dinner. I had to search high and low to find a place that was affordable...but I wanted it that way because I don't think they needed to pay an arm and a leg to feed everyone - plus, the place we got worked out beautifully. Would it have been my first choice? No - but I wasn't going to ask my in-laws to pay an outrageous price for dinner - that's just rude and inconsiderate!


Take a step back and look at what you are saying...if you want these things done then do it yourself. You can compromise with her. Ask her how much she is willing to pay for the rehearsal dinner? However much she says just take that money, have it at the place you really want it and cover the difference. Just be thankful they are willing to do this for you. Now that you know your mother in law is unrealiable then don't let her help you with anything else. If she isn't willing to pay for the flowers, but is willing to put them together just go behind her back to a regular florist and get it done the way you want it. After all, your mother in law can't make a bouquet if she doesn't have the flowers...


If she starts asking you about the flowers simply say, "Oh - I got a florist to do it. It was easier that way, saved time and I didn't want you to be stressed out about making the bouquets the night before." If she asks if you need help with anything else tell her you have it under control. If she doesn't take that for an answer tell her your mom is doing, your maid of honor is doing, etc. There are ways to avoid all of this stress. Just know her heart is in the right place - and remember, there is life after the wedding. This woman will be related to you forever...


It will all be okay - but to avoid any other stressful encounters, do everything yourself from now on - or ask for your mom or bridal party to help.


Good luck - and don't worry. Everything will be okay.
Reply:find friends to do the things she's screwing up on and just tell her "hey, I can tell you're really busy so my friend is going to do the save-the-dates so you won't have to worry about it!"





And then go ahead and make your reservations at the restaurant that you want the dinner at so she can't decide to have it else where.
Reply:make a list of everything you asked her to do, then ask her politely if she has done all the things on your list, tick them off as she tells you yes or no... when she says No to anything telling you she has NOT gone it yet. Tell her That's OK I'll do it. and stick to iT Do it your self. As for the rehearsal dinner. make the reservations and tell her you have reserved the particular place, if she says anything about it Say That's OK We'll pay for it. and just get on with it. don't leave anything "importamnt to your future Mother-in-law. This way if anything goes wrong. you only have yourself to blame and you'll go along way to keeping the peace in your new home with you Mother-in-law's SON. Remeber this ..cheese off the Mother-in-law and you cheese off the SON too.
Reply:Tell her flat-out, calmly, "Look, I appreciate everything you've done and all the help you've been giving me with the wedding planning, but this is MY wedding."





Your wedding is supposed to be YOUR special day -- not her's. You want it to be memorable, not stressful. So without yelling (even though I'm sure you'd like to), let he know that. Maybe she doesn't realize what she's doing is pissing you off.
Reply:If they are paying for the rehearsal dinner than they get to choose where it is - they are hosting the event, and you don't tell someone else where to host it. Please don't get caught up in the "It's MY special day" phenomenon. The rehearsal dinner is given in your honor, and you should be gracious and accept what they provide with thanks.





As for the other issues, that is a bit more problematic. If she's not getting the save the dates out, you could very nicely explain that you really need these to go out so that people will not be busy for the day of the wedding. Maybe you could offer to help. She may be resistant because there was no such thing as a "save the date" card years ago when she likely got married.





If her complaints about the flowers are purely about the aesthetics, you can politely tell her that you appreciate her input, but that you really want what you have chosen. If she has concerns about the flowers for other reasons, such as availability or durability it might be worth listening to her - she was a florist.





Most of all, remember that this woman is your fiance's mother and she's going to be around for a long time. Do what you can to make it work.





Good luck!
Reply:well just say something like"oh well i was thinking of this better" and she should get the poin cuz anything else would just sound really rude. i know what u mean! im getting married on august and my fiance is paying for everything and lately my inlaws have started to make dumb comments or actually laugh at the stuff that i have chosen along with my fiance


lol but i just keep reminding my self that only about 12 weeks more and i wont have to see them as often cuz we r moving AWAY!!!!
Reply:I know that as the bride you want certain things, and by all means, if you have concerns about the flowers, etc. for your wedding you should express them (politely since she will be in your family and you don't want to create bad feelings). But as far as the rehearsal dinner goes, since they are hosting it, and paying for it, they get to plan what they would like.





It is very traditional for the groom's parents to plan and host (pay) for the rehearsal dinner, it's like their big contribution to your wedding. I understand you may want it a certain way, but you get a day (your day), you can't control everything.





In the grand scheme of things, are people (you, your husband, family) really going to remember the rehearsal dinner, or the beautiful wedding? Is it really going to affect your future marriage that much?





I think you should really pick your battles and don't get stressed over things you can't/shouldn't control. Just think, if you let her have her way for the rehearsal dinner, you can use that as leverage to get your way for most other things.





Good luck! Try not to stress!
Reply:I wouldn't blow up at her, but if you're going to worry about whatever she's helping you with, you may just have to do those things yourself. She doesn't sound very reliable, from what you've said about the save-the-dates, so maybe you should reconsider about her helping with the flowers.





Also, if they're paying for the rehearsal, they should be picking the place and saying how much they can/will pay for it. Honestly, the rehearsal dinner is so minor in the scheme of things, you don't need it to be fancy at all! Heck, my husband and I had it at our new house - we all wore jeans and t-shirts and make-your-own sandwiches for dinner, and it was just fine! The point is to rehearse the wedding, not have some oppulent evening affair, so as long as you get the wedding rehearsed, that's all that matters. Unless you want to pay for the rehearsal dinner yourself, have it where they want it.
Reply:Instead of asking her if she's taken care of something, why don't you ask her if there's anything you can do to help her with your wedding? After all, you are the bride! If the save-the-date cards haven't been mailed out yet to your family and your finance's mother , mail them yourself, that way - you know for sure they were done. Good luck!